Fighting depression and staying alive

Years back I had gone through a hard time of fighting emotions and thoughts in my mind which left me worthless and my life – meaningless! Every day it was one after the other. Random army of thoughts came invading the space of my mind, plundering the joy and happiness left in it. They killed me from within. I remember my routine then, watching TV, eating and sleeping for more than 12 hours. I neither was without any direction nor was I interested in any. It was hard tackling everyday thought of emptiness. I was without purpose, thoughts about “why am I alive?” “How is this life going to end?” kept hammering my mind. One day I had a thought of blowing out my life but it was soon driven out by the fear of burning in hell. Being the thinking kind and introverted, I preferred to stay alone and indoors without any company, I had no qualms about it. I had limited my talking that people used to wonder whether if I could speak. If I had to speak or argue with someone, the process would have happened in my mind and finished off before I spoke to the person I was planning to have it. Life was hard but something in my heart kept saying that there more to life than this. Life is not be snuffed out! 

When you have depression the simple act of taking food to your mouth will be a drudge. There were days when I used to leave eating food, half – way. My father used to wonder what had happened to me because in my normal senses I love food. I ate everything that I could. I thought “what is the point of eating this food?” it might surprise you but I had this thought in my mind that “if some people in the world are not having food, why am I having it?” I was demotivated to do anything. I found excuses to disengage from everything, slowly yet stealthily there was another enemy that was creeping in – Laziness! I was so lazy that I was inside my room for a month. The only time that I would come out of the room was to eat food. 

So for a year and a half, I just wasted my life in a self-imposed imprisonment inside a room. One day I felt that I should do something in life, the way that I’m going now will destroy me. By then I had become philosophical that I tried to give explanations and excuses for my slothfulness. But in my heart, an alarm bell kept on ringing saying “please do something, don’t waste your time” 

So one day I got out of my home met with one of the friends he was working with an NGO. I asked him if there is any job for me in the organisation that he was working. He asked me to come and join with him. Even though I had joined there I was still struggling. I was plagued by constant thoughts of discouragement. I felt unworthy, non-talented and just a weight on earth. I remember the time when we had a major event happening in the city. I was with my friend. We were going around inviting people to it. On the D-day, I ran away from there. I was hiding. It was hard for me to see too many people. The pressure of hanging around with people drove me to lock myself up in a room. It took me years to come out of it and in between, I had got into something that I wasn't supposed to which pushed me back to depths of depression.   

Now coming to the purpose of the sharing, my intention is not to create a sob-story and get some applauding or comforting. The reason why I write my experience fighting depression and staying alive is the news of sad demise of a girl who was battling depression. I understand that there is a whole generation that is killed ‘in and out’ by this disease. So if I can help out someone out there who is reading this then I have accomplished the intention of my writing. At the time of writing, I have come far from where I was initially even though there are those bad days when I feel low. 

Some statistics

I was reading through some of the websites or articles about depression, it reveals that depression is a global phenomenon. WHO website says that “Globally, an estimated 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression.” # News excerpt from The Indian Express reads “According to the World Health Organization, India is one of the most depressed countries in the world with a whopping 36% of Indians likely to suffer from major depression at some point in their lives.”* It is disheartening to see people giving up their life because of depression. Some year’s back a famous Bollywood actor revealed that she had suffered from depression. Depression comes as uninvited guest irrespective of your age, social status, religion or background. From a school boy or girl who performed badly in their exam to a “successful” actor, depression has conquered minds and is leading many to an early exit from life. 

To find a solution to this modern-age plague we need to understand what it is? Modern science defines it like this “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.”^ What it basically means is that you lose your interest in your life.  You feel that life is not worth living which is actually not true. I do not want dwell or delve into too much of the details of what science says or not. What I want to do is to stay focused on how I got out of it. Know that depression can kill you if you don’t find a way out of it. 

Path to recovery, 3 steps

I’m a strong believer in God. He is the anchor that I hold onto. So my path to recovery strongly depended on Him.  My recovery started on the day I decided that I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to fall in and out of emotions. I don’t want to be the boat tossed and twisted by the storms of my emotions.  My life, by then was kind of hell, had no purpose and no direction. Everywhere I turned. It turned out to be an endless spiralling slide or unending doors opening to nowhere.  

In 2008, it was the time that I had met with three wonderful people who helped me a lot and who gave the impetus to change. One was my friend and the other two were my spiritual mentors, father, mother and all they could become to change me from the way I was functioning. My pastor would always say this “Vinal, whenever you get this depressive thought ask this question ‘is it true? When thoughts like “you are not good, you are not capable comes?” what is your response? When you feel like that there is no way, is it true that there is no way out of this hopelessness? These questions initiated a better way of thinking. He used to quote the scripture which says “that you are fearfully and wonderfully made!” (Psalms 139:14) so if the God who made you says that you are intricately made and is precious then don’t dwell on the opposite.  One thing that I understood from this relationship with them is that I had to have people with whom I will be accountable to.  People, who will talk into your life, people who inspire you to become better and build you. From your part, you will have to keep things open so that they can correct you. I always thank God for that one person who consistently helped me to out by speaking words of encouragement to me. 

These are the three things that worked for me and i believe it can help you also. 

1. Decide to get out
2. Ask the right questions
3. Have someone with whom you can be accountable

Another thing that you can do is to mentor someone else who is going through the same circumstance as you are. Ask the question to yourself “how can I help this person to become better?” The more you ask that question the more you find a solution to your problem as well. 

This was my experience of coming out of depression and starting to live. Something that I want to leave with you is the following principles from the bible. 

1. Rejoice always. Philippians 4:4. Paul in the bible encourages us to rejoice by putting hope in God. It is a decision to rejoice. 
2. TRUST GOD. God knows what is happening in our life. Hebrews 12:2 He is the author and finisher of faith. God has plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Jer 29:11
3. Your life is valuable and precious. Don’t spoil it. Psalms 139:14
You have a great life. We all go through hard times yet we have to hold onto the last breath that God has for us. Your life can be an inspiration to someone else if you won’t lose the battle. So keep fighting and keep living. 

PS: This is not a clinical advice for depression. It's my experience of going through it and coming out of it. 
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# (http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs369/en/)
*(http://indianexpress.com/article/blogs/with-36-of-india-depressed-we-must-end-taboo-around-mental-health/
^ https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression